


Thinking of You

by Dominatrix



Category: Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: F/M, Romance, There sails my OTP
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2013-05-11
Packaged: 2017-11-22 22:03:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/614847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dominatrix/pseuds/Dominatrix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elena feels something for Damon. She can't do anything it, to be honest, she doesn't even try.<br/>Damon feels something for Elena. But he's refusing it because he doesn't want to hurt his brother.<br/>Both keep denying their feelings to keep Stefan from harm.<br/>But how long will this work out?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thinking of You

**Author's Note:**

> Hey lovelies ♥  
> So I finally made a translation of my German TVD fic. So glad I've done it :)  
> As many of you will recognize, the title refers to Katy Perry's song "Thinking of You". Thought it matched the first chap.  
> Most of the chapter titles will be a line from a song that goes well with the chapter, I would suggest you'll just listen to the song while reading ♥

He smiles, and I force myself to reply the smile. For his sake.

 

While he keeps on driving, away from my home, from where I want to be, and talks, I count the rain drops on the window pane. My thoughts drift off, far, far away.

I’m thinking of you. You probably don’t know, don’t know anything about my feelings, but I’m thinking of you. Always.

When I’m awake I dream of you, and when I ‘m asleep you’re there. Just in my thoughts, never always at my side.

But sometimes it’s enough to know that you’re somewhere out there, looking at the same stars, just being there. Sometimes it’s enough to think about your name, to speak it out without a sound.

We know each other, maybe we’re even friends, but even of that we’re not capable. It’s hard to be your friend when I want to be so much more, secretly. And I know that you feel this, too. You make me feel it, every time we see each other, when we touch, and I want to tell you. Want to tell you that I feel it, too. But I don’t have the courage, and I’m just hurting both of us. We’re used to it.

Getting hurt is not unfamiliar to us. We don’t let anybody notice, you and I, but we feel the pain.

We’re alike, although I would never say that aloud. Nobody, not even he, knows about this side in me, so unrestrained and free it frightens me. But I believe sometimes that you know it.

You know so much about me I didn’t have a clue of. You’re not perfect, just like I am, but this doesn’t stop me from loving you, from longing your touch. I can’t lie anymore, I don’t want to. We have made a silent agreement, not to hurt him, but I wonder how long we can do this, how long we can go on denying ourselves. I’m so cold to you when we’re together, but just because of fear what might happen if we just give in.

We would hurt him, I know that, and you know it, too. So we keep it silent, keep going, watching each other when we think that the other one doesn’t notice. When I look at him I only see you, and I believe he suspects what it inevitable. I’ll have the courage to tell him the truth.

He squeezes my hand, carefully, tenderly.

“Are you listening to me?” he asks with a smile on his face.

“Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts.”

He must not know, never. Well, not yet. He chuckles lowly and looks at me, through these honest eyes.

“I love you.” Someday I’ll have the strength.

“I love you, too.” Someday.

 

He smiles, and I force myself to reply the smile. For your sake.


	2. Someone like you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damon keeps searching for someone like Elena.  
> But there is not one woman in the world that can make him feel quite the way she does.  
> Just her.  
> It's always her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by Adele's song "Someone like you" (quite obvious, isn't it?)  
> Hope you enjoy it ♥

_It was hard. It was hard to drink when he always had to think about her._

_Disgusted he pushed the lifeless body off him and ran his hand over his mouth. She would wake in a couple of hours and she wouldn’t remember a single thing. Maybe she would feel a little weak, but more than a quiet suspicion wouldn’t remain. Maybe a tiny Déjà-Vu if she would see him on the streets. In these moments Damon loathed himself. But the alternative was even more disgusting. Blood bags. Dead blood. At the bare thought o fit everything in him rebelled. He risked another glance on his victim who now dawned in a peaceful lack of consciousness. She looked far too much like her. It had been a mistake to think that it would be easier with a woman that looked like Elena. That it would at least feel a bit more right. But still the cold feeling of guilt was clenched up in Damon’s chest while the fresh blood streamed through his veins._

_Absently he let his long, slender fingers run through the victim’s hair. It was dark brown, like Elena’s, but Damon could smell that its natural colour had been covered. Sighing he lost himself in his thoughts. He would never find a woman like Elena. It was impossible. And that frustrated him. If she knew that he had…She would probably just look at him critically, she was too kind for anything else. He could imagine the look of her big, brown doe eyes vividly. Too vividly. He just needed to close his eyes and there she was; an exact copy as if it was a photograph. Puzzled Damon recognized that he could remember every tiny detail. The way she bit her lip when she thought about something or when she had a bad conscience. This habit had driven him insane from the first moment because it aimed his view at the elegant, curved upper lip, the lower lip, just a bit fuller, and the pink colour. She seemed so lively. He looked down on the woman in front of him. She was pale as a corpse. Abruptly Damon rose and drew back until his back hit the wall. There he whirled around and rushed out the door to get outside. The sun rays were dancing on the street and in the rustling leaves of the trees and bushes._

_Thoughtfully Damon looked at the way the light was refracted in the blue stone of his ring. How often in the last decades had he thought about just taking it off, to meet the sun without a shield? It had surprised him that these thoughts had disappeared when he met Elena. But the better he got to know her, the more helpless he became. She loved Stefan, his oh-so-pure brother, and he didn’t doubt that this wouldn’t change in the near future. Since this bitter realisation he had feverishly searched for a woman that came close to Elena, if only in attempt. But nobody was as kind, as unselfish and as passionate as Elena Gilbert was._

_With a quiet hint of sarcasm he thought about the fact that only in the radius of 20 miles there were about half a million women…And he had to fall in love with the one he couldn’t have. He cursed his too soft heart with his brother. But he loved Stefan more than anything, well, above almost everything if you leave out the alcohol. He didn’t even want to think about the other thing he maybe also loved more. It would just cause him headache._

_Of course he had the opportunity to influence her when she didn’t wear her necklace, or to just surprise. He could force his will on her, but strangely he disliked this idea. He wanted that she was totally aware when he came close to her, that she wanted it, too. And even if this moment seemed very far away…Damon could wait. Where else was the point in being immortal?_

_And as long as Elena wouldn’t give in, he would keep on searching for a woman like Elena._


	3. Cherry Red Smile

_She smiled, and her lips parted. It was a beautiful smile, so innocent and however you always had the feelings that she knew about things you should better keep a secret._

I looked at Stefan doubting. He seemed absent-minded, although I really couldn’t judge him for this. Probably I wasn’t the perfect partner for a journey right now. But I just had to think about Damon without stopping. While I looked out the window and saw the landscape flying across I imagined what I had found most fascinating from the start on: His eyes. These seemingly cold, ice-blue eyes. How often has he thrilled me to death with one look, how often has me made me blush – in the most inappropriate situations? At the thought I couldn’t hold myself: I had to smile.

_Her lips were red as cherries. One reason was the brightly shining sun that had already caused her light sunburn, and another was her habit to gnaw on her lip. Stefan had always loved this little habit of her. Until before three weeks. Because on this day Caprice had stepped into his life, or rather through the door of this horrible bar he always visited. The drinks were undrinkable and far too expensive, but he had always been visiting this bar. It had become a tradition, over a hundred years now. And she had come through this door, from which the dark red lacquer had flaked off some parts. She had smiled. And how she had smiled. She had looked at him, a sparkle in her eyes, and he was done. They had talked, and he had done its best not to fall in love with her. But he hadn’t been successful, because every time he spent time with Elena he thought about Caprice, about what she had said, how she said it. But he couldn’t leave her, he couldn’t do this to her. She was to unknowing, too pure. If he had told her she would have cried because she loved him. He did love her too, but just not enough to ban the thought – the desire - of leaving._

Suddenly, after I had allowed my thoughts to go a little…deeper, I came back to reality with force. The goose bumps on my arms stayed. Guiltily I looked Stefan directly in the eye and hoped that he wouldn’t draw the right conclusions. I wasn’t sure whether I could lie to him.

_Right now she looked at him, from her deep eyes with which she was reading in him most of the time. He prayed that she wouldn’t see it, but there was something deep inside of her, a weak sparkle, and one of the corners of her mouth twitched. Suddenly she seemed to be white as death in spite of her sunburn and he had to concentrate to look on the street. He took his foot off the gas a bit and looked at Elena. “Are you alright?” “I couldn’t be better, thanks. It’s nothing.“_

I had lied, and I hated myself for this. With a fake, emphasized happy smile I leant my head against the back rest of my seat and closed my eyes.

_She smiled, and her lips parted. It was a disturbing smile, so innocent and however you always had the feelings that she knew about things you should better keep a secret._


	4. Half Alive

_"And you're sure that I can leave you alone?" "Stefan, I'm a big girl. Somehow I'll manage to prevent the big bad house to eat me." He looked at Elena, concern in his brown-green eyes. "That was a joke." He laughed lowly, but he could see that she didn't buy it. She knew him too well. "I'll be right back." "Take care of yourself, I want you back in one piece." "I'm just visiting someone I know. It's not going to be very exciting." "I'm waiting here for you" she promised and kissed Stefan tenderly. "Good." With a last wave he got back into his car and drove on to the street, while the door shut behind Elena. He didn't have much time, but it had to be enough. With a relieved smile he turned to the main road and drove faster_.  
  
I felt alone. Maybe it was stupid, but as a matter of fact I was alone. The house seemed too large for me to spend my time alone in there. And I didn't dare to wander around, not just because I was sure that I would lose myself, but also because I knew that Damon lived here. Did I really want to know which corpses he had in the cellas? From the door I lingered through the broad corridor into the inviting living room. The walls were panelled with dark, reddish wood that felt as smooth as glas when I ran my fingertips over it.

With a frustrated noise I let myself fall on the black-brown couch and looked around. The impressive chandelier was doubtlessly a souvenir of former times, but sometimes I asked myself if not everything about the Salvatore brothers came from former times. Not speaking about Damon's manners. In the soft light that came through the big windows I let my view wander over the unsettling, huge assemblage of alcohol. I should really have a short talk with Damon.

But the bare thought of seeing him, addressing him, seeing how he would look at me in this irresistable way, one eyebrow rosen and this sarcastic grin that played around the corners of his mouth...Probably it was no good idea to think about this.

  
_The parking situation had been terrible, so he had to walk the last four blocks. Without any sign of breathlessness Stefan pushed the shabby door open and smiled as he saw the slim silhouette of the goldblonde-haired woman at the bar._

_"Did you miss me?" he asked lowly while he put an arm around her waist._

_"Don't sneak up on me" she hissed smiling and winked at him._

_"Bad habit."_

_So? Tell me, how was your day?" "Oh, Caprice, you know, that's not so important. The most important thing is we're together now." "That's right" she said with her dark, a little rough voice and pulled him down to her._

Stefan had surely told me where he was going, but I had not listened. I was thinking about Damon. I had not seen him since more than three days...I looked at he clock and sighed. Three days, five hours and seventeen minutes. But it would have been stupid to worry. Probably he was at a woman's house. I shuddered at the thought. It wasn't jealousy. I didn't have a reason to be jealous. But the imagination of Damon with another woman...Confused I tried to loosen my hands - which were clenched to fists - and to ignore the shaking of my fingers.

  
_"How did you spend your day?" Now that Caprice was with him he finally felt safe. He knew that he could trust her without any restrictions._

_"I visited my sister."_

_You have a sister?"_

_"Yea. She wasn't feeling all too well, she seemed to have a dizzy spell and she kept on saying something about someone...Faymon, Aiden...How was his name again?"_

_"Damon?" he asked with a bad feeling in his mind._

_"Exactly. She was totally out of her mind, and she was as pale as a corpse. Then she said something else, that there was someone who hunted him. Total nonsense."_

_"Where does your sister live?"_

_"Winter Lane. Why?"_

_"I'm sorry, but I have to go. Right now." He kissed Caprice's forehead and rushed out of the bar and on to the street._

I was already guessing whether four o'clock in the afternoon was too early to drink, but in the end I decided not to do it. Stefan would lecture me about no alcohol for underaged et cetera...Without any drive left I sank back into the pillows.

Still I felt strangely empty, as if a piece of me was missing.

And it didn't get better. It lasted since more than three days. But I didn't feel really sick, just incomplete, as if I was only half alive.

And I did not want it, I didn't want to imagine that he was the reason I felt this way. It was nothing, just a coincidence that I felt like this when he wasn't around.

Again I sighed.

"Elena Gilbert, what are you trying to pretend?"


	5. Something

I had always known that I felt something for him.

It was completely obvious to me, because the reaction to his touch, his glances, his words...It drove me mad. Especially when Stefan was around. I was just terribly afraid that he would find out. Although I knew that Damon would never give in to it, even when I would have the courage to touch him. In a strangely intense and burning way I longed to see his face when he came into the house, with this dangerous elegance I usually only knew of panthers.

It scared me; I had never thought about anything similiar. Never before had something that was so meaningless seemed so essential to me. But es was really like this, it caused me real, physical pain when these few seconds he needed to walk into the living room seemed to last forever and I could already feel his presence strongly. In these moments it was my first impulse to leap tp my feet and fall into his arms, and I was so ashamed of this that I was sure my cheeks were glowing red. I had never before felt this wish, no, this need. Not even with Stefan. And I was highly afraid of this.

In this moment I heard how the door opened. My face lightened up involuntarily. It had to be Damon, Stefan could impossibly be back so soon. I wanted to turn around when a sudden and strong smell came into my nose that left me shivering. But before I could even sort the smell of metal and salt correctly I felt it. Something was not right.

I could feel Damon somehow, but the feeling in me was not as strong as usually, it was even evanescent little, and I was almost sure that I had to be wrong. In this moment Stefan came into the living room. He had a dark bundle in his arms and softly put him on the couch opposite to me. In the middle of the movement of brushing my hair out of my eyes I froze when I risked a glance at it. Just as though I was looking through a dark veil I recognized that the elegant, dark brown couch stained even darker, that the patches were shining wet and that the smell got even stronger until I couldn't bear it any more.

I pressed one hand to cover my nose and mouth and recognized that Stefan said something to me, repeated it louder and gripped my shoulders to pull me up.

I didn't feel anything when he shook me before he again paid all attention to the body. Everything about me was numb, I didn't feel the hot tears on my cheeks, didn't notice that uncontrollable sobs made my shoulders tremble, I didn't even know that I staggered towards the body before I fell to my knees in front of the almost completely soaked couch.

I had always known that I felt something for Damon.

But that I loved him only came to my mind when I saw him dying in front of me on the couch.


End file.
